I’ve been thinking so much about you lately.
Our pregnancies will look much different. Your baby will grow in your belly, and both of mine have grown in my heart. You’ll experience sweet little kicks and labor, and mine looked more like paperwork and home studies. Both so exciting, yet so hard.
I’ve been thinking about all the ways you have cared so deeply for my heart. When you first started trying to have a baby, because you walked beside me throughout my story, you asked how I would like for you to tell me you were pregnant. I was completely humbled and felt so deeply loved. No one had ever done that for me before. I guess you were there so many times when I found out others were expecting so you knew how my heart needs a little second to absorb the sting.
Although, It’s different with you. Because you know.
You were there from the beginning. You loved me through all of those ridiculous hormones. Sometimes when I was extra crazy, you would tell me, because that’s what best friends do. After I would come out of the bathroom down the hall, knowing that I wasn’t pregnant that month, again, you knew just what to say. Through your tears, you always told me “It will happen. You just wait and see.” And you were right, friend.
When we started the adoption process, you were there every step of the way. Buying t-shirts, puzzle pieces, and stamping necklaces with me. You came to our yard sales and bought stuff you didn’t need. But you were there.
You were the first face I saw coming out of your classroom when I finally got my positive pregnancy test. When we “got the call,” your arms were the first ones around my neck. You were jumping up and down and screaming through tears. So excited. Because you knew. You knew how long I waited to be a mama. You knew how bad I wanted to be a mama.
You were there the day after she was born, wearing your adoption t-shirt. She was a miracle to you too.
You never missed a single thing. Every shower, birthday, dedication, gotcha day. You were there. Always there. And those Target texts, the ones with the pictures. You would never know which outfit to buy so you would just buy them all. Every time I dress her in them, I thank God for you and our friendship.
You were the first one who knew about our second baby. I had tried so long to keep it a secret. Adoption, like pregnancy, can miscarry. But you knew me. You knew I was keeping something from you. Before we even told our family, I dressed her in that big sister shirt. And you cried and screamed and hugged us.
And sweet friend, I saw you hold your breath the other night when she asked me why I can’t have biological children. It stung your heart a little, just like it stung mine. Because you’ve been there with me. You know.
You really haven’t missed a thing.
That’s why you are so precious to me. I can always count on you. I can’t tell you how well you have cared for my heart. You have been so tender. But this is your time now. You’ve celebrated with me, you’ve walked through my “pregnancies,” and now I get the absolute privilege to celebrate with you.
I know our pregnancies will look much different. The way our children will come to us is as different as night and day. But just like you have been there from the beginning of my journey to motherhood, I will be there for yours.
I know you worry it will hurt me if you tell me about those kicks or appointments, but I want to know! I don’t want to miss a thing. I want to be there to celebrate with you. Every shower, every dedication, every birthday party. I’ll be there. And don’t you worry sister, you’ll get those Target texts too.
Thank you for stepping into my story, for walking right beside me through so much hard and so much beauty.
Now let me step into yours and walk with you.
I love you,
Your Barren Friend
Photos by Rachel Ackerman Photography