I’m not very good at waiting in the in-between stages of life. I’m a planner. A dreamer. A “make-a-list-and-stick-to-it,” sort of person. I can handle a little spontaneity, but within the context of an overall controlled system. In the words of Monica Gellar, “Rules are good. Rules help control the fun!”
So when I’m stuck in-between seasons without a plan, I tend to flounder.
In the season before college, I was impatient to get started. So much so that I flooded my high school schedule with dual-credit classes that would help me get my degree faster. I was rushing because I had a plan to get in, get out, and get married.
Then, after we got married and moved to the city, I spent several months looking for a job in my field. I think I bounced around in a sort of direction-less depression for a while. Feeling worthless and pointless as I played housewife in our tiny apartment all day and searched for a career. At one point, I got so desperate I started applying to part-time retail jobs and when I hastily accepted the first thing offered to me, it landed me in one of the most awful jobs I’ve ever worked.
Our current season is another of transition, and I’m finding myself sort of pushing back as we enter the in-between phase of life where we’re no longer new parents but we’re not yet expecting a second baby. I realize many families are complete with just one little one, but I’m fairly certain God has called us to have at least one more, whether biologically or through adoption.
And before our friends and family get excited and assume we’re “trying,” we’re not. Not yet. At least not tonight. 😉
And that’s the problem. The unknown. The in-between.
The truth is we’re not sure when we’ll be ready for a second baby. And that’s hard for me to accept. I want to make a plan, but I’m not sure what plan to make.
Right now I can’t imagine adding another baby to the daily chaos of chasing after a busy almost-toddler and balancing work deadlines. I can’t imagine making it through months of sickness and exhaustion while entertaining and caring for our little one who still doesn’t sleep through the night. But I also can’t imagine never having another babe to love. More than anything, I can’t imagine how we’ll ever decide. I can’t imagine ever feeling “ready” for whatever comes our way in the future, no matter when that future comes. And, after learning about our fertility issues the first time around, there’s always a whisper of doubt in the back of my mind when I think about future pregnancies.
So many questions fill my heart. So many doubts and fears cloud the trust I should be putting in God to continue perfectly writing my story. I know His goodness, but I still struggle.
The truth is that in this season of in-between and unknown, I need to lean into Jesus, not hide myself in a plan. In this season of waiting to hear from Him, it’s tempting to feel far from God, left behind, wondering what His plan for our life is, hoping for a glimpse of the future, something I can plan towards. But maybe in this season, God is not asking me to act, but rather for me to listen, to wait, to simply be still and know that he is sovereign in all seasons, in all decisions.
I’m sharing this, dear sisters, because I’m lost, I’m unsure. I feel that familiar, unfortunate floundering coming on in this season, but I don’t want to give in to the fear. I know I need to seek him first, I need to trust His goodness, his steadfastness, but in this season, all I feel is uncertainly.
So I’m asking for your company on this journey. If you’re feeling stuck in the in-between, in whatever season of life you’re in, won’t you join me in reading Habakkuk over the next week and sharing our insights together on our Motherhood Inspired Instagram feed. I’d love to journey together from a place of questioning to a place of certainty in God’s goodness… no matter how unsure I feel in the in-between.