I stared in disbelief at the two pink lines.
The tears came to my eyes a little more slowly than they had come the first time, and for a different reason. Before, when I’d learned I was expecting our first baby after being told it might never happen, the tears were tears of complete and udder shock and joy. What was I feeling now? Joy? Certainly! Shock? Yes, but for a different reason.
Because we had conceived and birthed a healthy baby boy already, I was not shocked to see my body function in this way again. Pleasantly surprised after months of anticipation and wonder, but not shocked. God had proven to be a God of miracles for us before, and he had again.
But, God, so many are waiting. So many have been waiting so much longer! Are you sure it’s our turn again already?
I blinked at the test again through tears as thoughts flooded my head.
I wasn’t even totally sure we were ready for another baby…what about all those who are desperately, desperately trying still?
In the following weeks, I teetered back and forth between joy, disbelief, fear, excitement, and even guilt. It seemed wonderously undeserved. Unfair. We have already been so blessed with our son. And now, a second baby joins the family.
I know my friends and family who are waiting for babies don’t blame us, but I know from experience they probably feel a twinge of jealousy. I’ve felt it. I know what it is to be so happy for someone else and yet so sad for yourself at the same time. I struggled with how to announce our happy news to a world I knew first hand was full of despair.
So, friend, sister, stranger… please know that I see you.
I see you smile through held back tears. I see you excuse yourself to gather your thoughts. I see you huddled on the bathroom floor in pain. I know you feel as if your life is incomplete in this season of waiting and I see you whispering a prayer of desperation for a miracle when it seems as if all the miracles have already been given out to everyone else but you.
But the truth is that our God is not a God of scarcity. No, he is a God of abundance!
And his miracles are not finite. He does infinite, impossible things in infinite, impossible ways. He breathes life where there was none. He creates wholeness from emptiness.
Our news doesn’t mean that there is one less miracle for you, today, friend. God has not forgotten your struggle. He is still writing your story. Something may be missing right now, but He will not leave you in this place. He will make you whole, make your family complete in his perfect way.
And I don’t know what that story will look like, but I know you’re waiting. And hurting. I know nothing I can say in this moment will ease that desperate heartache, the pain of the unknown and the months of waiting and the negative tests. And even through this season of joy in our lives, I hurt with you, for you. I pray with you, for you.
“But forget all that—
it is nothing compared to what I am going to do.
For I am about to do something new.
See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.” -Isaiah 43:18-19