There are seasons in life that are hard. I’m sure every one of us has walked through something difficult at some point in our lives; whether in marriage, raising kids, or just life in general.
To be completely honest, I struggled with the idea of having kids and starting a family. At that point in my life, I was more focused on my job and climbing the ladder in my nursing profession. There was a lot going on when we started talking about the idea of starting a family. My hubby had just finished taking his CPA exams and I had just finished going back for my bachelor’s degree in nursing and I had also obtained a specialty certification in nursing. The idea of having children made me excited and extremely uneasy some days. I grew up working in programs with kids but the thought of having one of my own freaked me out. My pediatric rotation during nursing school also didn’t help ease my thoughts. I struggled working with really sick kids; I remember one patient that was just a 4 month old. It broke my heart. Yet, the Lord kept placing the idea of a family on my heart.
Over a year later, my oldest was born. My sweet 4th of July baby boy. It didn’t take long though until I realized that God would be leading me into the waters that I feared to show me Himself.
My oldest son was born with a “bruise like spot” on his left arm. The doctors and pediatrician assured us it was most likely from 30 hours of labor, yet weeks later this would change. As I held my 2-week old son in his room, rocking him back and forth trying to comfort him, I noticed a large hard mass on his right thigh. I did not think much of it at the time and I decided I would just ask the pediatrician about it at his appointment the next day and laid him in his crib and went to catch some sleep myself.
I remember his exam going well until I asked her to feel this large area on his right thigh. I can tell you one thing that I know very well in nursing is that when a doctor says “hmmm…let me get another doctor in here to look at that” it usually is never a good thing. Both doctors, unsure of what was going on, sent us to go for x-rays and an ultrasound back at the hospital, that afternoon. After the results came back inconclusive, we were then given the name of a physician for a referral to go see as soon as possible.
I remember going home and googling that doctor’s name and when the word “oncology” appeared I felt my heart drop into my chest. I felt like everything in that moment wasn’t real. I felt scared, anxious, and fearful of what would be next for our son and for us.
Fast-forward several months later and after multiple diagnostic tests, procedures, biopsies, and blood work, my son was diagnosed with a rare tumor disorder. He then underwent several weeks and rounds of chemotherapy starting at 4 months old. He endured frequent MRI’s until August 20, 2014 when we were told that the tumors were resolved and he would receive his last chemo that day. Praise the Lord!
He still has to undergo MRI’s twice a year. The results have been easier to hear as they have been good reports. When the unexpected happens like it did this this past week, it can take you down the road of the unknown again. The results this time were hard to take, as new lesions were seen on his legs. Yet with human scans and an active 3-year-old little boy, things like bruises and large insect bites can appear as false images. This is where the unknown comes in and my mind starts going down bunny trails that are not good for my heart and soul.
I’m writing to you today because I have struggled with this season and journey that we have been given. These last few days have been hard, especially hearing the results of my son’s MRI. This journey has taken me into the waters I feared most. I have faced deep water that felt like I was drowning but I can tell you that this season, this inner struggle, is where my Father has shown me so much. You see I can tell you this for certain, my Dad, He loves me! He has never left me alone, not even in the times of fear and anger that I cried out to him. He just pulled me in closer and tighter, wrapping His arms around me, letting me express how I felt and how I didn’t understand, as I wept.
I have learned many things these last three years but one thing I have learned is that I’m not in control and to trust him. The Lord continually teaches me that His plans are so much greater than my own. He continues to show me that even in the hardships, storms, and high seas of life, that he will never leave me or my family. I don’t know what he has in store for our family or my son but I do know one thing for sure. His truth has never failed me. His love is unfathomable. His comfort brings peace. His arms are wide and open for you to run into. His strength can bear anything including all your doubt, burdens, and fears. I don’t know what season you are in but I want you to remember this that He Loves You and He is for You!
(Photos by : Jonalee Photography)