We only sat in the ER waiting room for a few minutes before they ushered us back to a room. The only good things about visiting the ER multiples times in a year with the same child is that they get to know the problem. First we start fluids and then run labs to help understand where he is with the illness. That’s several hours of waiting usually, filling out insurance information, explaining IVA to anyone new, and answering the same questions about how long he’s been sick and if anybody else has been sick and have you been out of the country?
When Micah’s sick there is so much I can’t do for him. I can’t fix any of the problems in his body. I can’t tell what his amino acid levels are and I can’t regulate his protein levels. I can’t even make his body respond the way it needs to when he’s being treated.
Ruth Graham said, “As a mother, my job is to take care of the possible and trust God with the impossible.” I read those words shortly into my motherhood journey and they have comforted me the many times I’ve been shocked by what I can’t do for my children. Before I had kids I did not realize so much would be beyond my control.
I don’t have to bear the burden of carrying it all, being responsible for all of it. I have to daily roll that onto God’s shoulders. “Lord, please do all the things that I can’t.” Of course, that doesn’t excuse me from the things that I can do. There’s a daily tension of understanding that I don’t hold the universe together and yet I have a vital part to play in this life God has given me.
I am responsible for teaching and training my children. I am responsible for loving them well, nurturing their hearts, and asking for their forgiveness when I mess up. I am responsible for modeling- imperfectly and only by the grace of God- the life of a growing Christian. Children are work and I daily need the joy and strength of God to meet their needs. But I’m still limited to the practical. I cannot change their hearts or move in the hearts of those around them.
Most mornings I pray that God would do all the things that I can’t. That He would guide my children into the knowledge that they each personally need a Savior. That He would protect them and watch over them, because regardless of how responsible for them I feel I cannot really keep them safe. That He would protect them from people who would want to hurt them or lead them into evil.
We live in a scary world. When I feel I have to do it all myself I get overwhelmed and frightened because the job is too big for me. It’s more than I can handle and even on my best day I know that. But it’s never too big for God.
I have to do my part and then release the rest of it into His hands knowing that He loves them more than I do. Knowing that they are actually His children and He graciously shares them with me. The toughest and most reassuring part of motherhood is that it’s beyond me. There so much I can’t do and yet so much that I can.